So what keeps me here now? Maybe, the fact that I've got nowhere else to go and nothing else to do? Let me put this pessimism aside for some minutes while I'll try to describe the pictures made by my mobile phone:)

This photo and the next 4 ones were made in Gorlovka during my winter examinations.

Well, that was the last of the three very interesting and unforgettable days of my work. Guess nothing of the kind will happen to me again, but I want to hope and believe in success. As for the photo - it's Mitsubishi Pajero inside. God, why am I not a driver?

A view from the Ferris wheel. It was in the town a little smaller than mine, named Ternovka. So many memories I've got left connected with this town. But it all is too in the past and they'll never return... Stop! I promised to quit pessimism.

Remember taking this one when I wandered in Dnepropetrovsk in search of DHL (Actually, at that time I had finally found it). Such a difficult day it was!

Hack

So now I'm back home again. Too reluctant to work... Well, let me just remember the poem which I wrote 2 years ago.

There's no sound:
Night has stolen everything;
There's no melody -
And I'm tearing the strings.
I won't hear his voice again,
I won't feel his touch...
The darkness came forever,
Locked sunshine in the hutch.
Underneath my skin
A little heart is bleeding.
If I've done something wrong,
Could I ever be forgiven?
My memories - it's all that's left to me,
I didn't wanna be your enemy...
This damage will not fade away,
This pain won't just abate.
The time won't heal!
It'll never kill
Your memory, don't wait...
And I'll never get out of this hole,
It will always be that dark and cold.

About The Hidden And The Forbidden

You are so distant and so weird,
But I still care for you, my dear.
I didn't hope to see you again,
I can't confess you're more than friend!

How can I find the words to say?
Maybe, it'd better stay this way...
Can sit by you but can't embrace you,
Now that you're here, I've learnt to face you.

I'm going mad, I dunno why
You are with me but you're not mine!
I fear to lose just what we have,
But we have nothing! Do you care?!

How can I open my poor heart?
In any case, we'll be apart.
I'm sorry but I can't express
These feelings, so just try to guess;

Please, try to see it in my eyes,
I will not run, I will not hide...
I've got so used to feel ashamed,
No matter who may be to blame;
So this will add me no more pain.

No, I won't shout - I promise now,
If you just throw away my love.
I'm sure you will, so you won't know
That I cried for you long ago...

I'll try to make you laugh,
To see no sadness on your face;
You do belong to someone else,
But you are near and it's enough...

Loneliness For Eternity

Hello, whoever is reading this! I' m still having my dear examinations in Gorlovka. Below is the verse which I've written during one of the lectures:)

Walking on the edge...
What is the next stage?
You're wondering but trying not to think.
Can't control your rage,
Turn another page,
You're afraid of what next day will bring.

You don't know if it's love or lust,
What you can and what you must,
Got no rights, got no confidence,
Spending life in the ignorance...
Wasting time that you can't turn back,
There are things you will always lack;
Ain't no meaning in these lines of yours.
Every game you're to lose, of course...

It won't matter in the end -
All that aimless life you led;
Scream away all the pain inside,
Night will come, you'll find a place to hide.

Nothing's stable in reality,
But loneliness for eternity...

Dear Lord...

Dear Lord! If you are really there,
You know the answers that they don't.
So may I ask you? Do I dare?
Why do I have to carry on?

Sometimes birth can be a mistake,
Sometimes living is a crime,
Sometimes death is the only way
When all you deserve is to die.

Well, isn't it a privilege -
To die when you are still so young?
No wrinkles, no senility,
Your damned life has just begun!
Won't loathe reflection of your face,
Will feel no envy of the youth,
Forever young to all your "friends"...
It sounds so awful but it's truth!

Can they imagine how it feels
To have such dark thoughts in your head?
These thoughts and feelings you can't share
Cos they would never understand.
Why can't you live a normal life,
Look in the future, make your plans?
You're not a prophet, but you know:
You'll always be an outcast...

When your existence makes no sense,
When seasons make no difference,
They come and go, but things don't change;
You're only free in your own cage.

You're glad when nobody's around,
Resigned yourself to pain and fear,
Immersed and lost in virtual world,
In which no-one should interfere...

(Written 05.01.2007)